A few days later I still felt the guilt. I wondered why I was sill walking around with it. Didn't I believe that God had forgiven me? Why couldn't I let it go? As the days progressed I couldn't shake the feeling that things still weren't resolved in my spirit. I sometimes suffer from an overactive conscience, feeling guilty about insignificant things, but this felt different. What was the problem?
Here's how I knew what it was--the thought of confessing to someone else horrified me. I realized that I hadn't just sinned against God, I had sinned against a person. I didn't want her to know what I had done. When I realized that, the real struggle began--could I confess my actions to her? How would she react? What would the consequences be? I thought through all the scenarios and some of them seemed pretty awful at the time. I thought if I could just push the feeling down and keep it between me and God it would eventually go away. In my heart of hearts, though, I knew that wasn't true. I knew that it would nag me, it would erect a wall between me and God that would continue to grow.
Finally, I decided in my heart that I could not consciously choose to disobey God. I was willing to deal with the consequences whatever they may be. So I resolved to tell her what I had done. It was hard, it was humbling, but I wrote to her, confessed, asked for forgiveness and suggested ways to make it right. I wanted her to know the reason I felt compelled to confess, that it wasn't that I was a good person, but it was because I call myself a Christ-follower and he had convicted me to come clean.
Amazingly she wrote back full of grace, expressing her respect for me, telling me what a good person I was and had always been. It was such a relief! At the same time, my prayer is that she would come to know and understand the one whose goodness lives in me. Without him I am nothing. Without him, my spirit is filled with darkness. Without him, what a wretched person am I. But with him, I am full of courage. With him my spirit is filled with light. With him I can do something. And I will.
The post-script of this story is that about six months later I was talking to a friend. She revealed that she was struggling with long-term guilt, something she couldn't shake from an incident many years before. In some ways what she had done didn't seem like a big deal and others had said as much. But when I heard her speak about her struggle, it sounded just like mine. I told her my story and it gave her the courage to confess to someone who had been in authority over her at the time. God revealed that his timing was perfect. Due to circumstances, if she had waited any longer the opportunity to bring it into the open would have been gone.
God is good. He is patient with us. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). Sometimes for some of us it's hard to distinguish between guilt and false guilt. My simple principle that I follow now is that nagging conviction is not something to live with for very long. Get rid of it--confess it to God and to the person affected as soon as possible. Bring it into the light. Even the worst consequences you can imagine are better than a living with a conscience that is not at rest and separation from God.
Here's how I knew what it was--the thought of confessing to someone else horrified me. I realized that I hadn't just sinned against God, I had sinned against a person. I didn't want her to know what I had done. When I realized that, the real struggle began--could I confess my actions to her? How would she react? What would the consequences be? I thought through all the scenarios and some of them seemed pretty awful at the time. I thought if I could just push the feeling down and keep it between me and God it would eventually go away. In my heart of hearts, though, I knew that wasn't true. I knew that it would nag me, it would erect a wall between me and God that would continue to grow.
Finally, I decided in my heart that I could not consciously choose to disobey God. I was willing to deal with the consequences whatever they may be. So I resolved to tell her what I had done. It was hard, it was humbling, but I wrote to her, confessed, asked for forgiveness and suggested ways to make it right. I wanted her to know the reason I felt compelled to confess, that it wasn't that I was a good person, but it was because I call myself a Christ-follower and he had convicted me to come clean.
Amazingly she wrote back full of grace, expressing her respect for me, telling me what a good person I was and had always been. It was such a relief! At the same time, my prayer is that she would come to know and understand the one whose goodness lives in me. Without him I am nothing. Without him, my spirit is filled with darkness. Without him, what a wretched person am I. But with him, I am full of courage. With him my spirit is filled with light. With him I can do something. And I will.
The post-script of this story is that about six months later I was talking to a friend. She revealed that she was struggling with long-term guilt, something she couldn't shake from an incident many years before. In some ways what she had done didn't seem like a big deal and others had said as much. But when I heard her speak about her struggle, it sounded just like mine. I told her my story and it gave her the courage to confess to someone who had been in authority over her at the time. God revealed that his timing was perfect. Due to circumstances, if she had waited any longer the opportunity to bring it into the open would have been gone.
God is good. He is patient with us. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). Sometimes for some of us it's hard to distinguish between guilt and false guilt. My simple principle that I follow now is that nagging conviction is not something to live with for very long. Get rid of it--confess it to God and to the person affected as soon as possible. Bring it into the light. Even the worst consequences you can imagine are better than a living with a conscience that is not at rest and separation from God.
